she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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