oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
