The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
