you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize