you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
