There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
