you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
pray to the hookup gods
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
