Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
