sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
