I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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