I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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