And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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