nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
