I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Pooping to opera.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
