I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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