my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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