OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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