if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
