I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
