I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
