what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
