So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
