Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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