Your face is a jimmy john
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
