If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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