Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize