okay pat passed out under dana's car
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
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