She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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