I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How external is "for external use only"?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
