take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
