I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
