saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
