I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
