Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
