Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
