he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
