Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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