I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
