dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
