He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
