i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
pray to the hookup gods
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
