i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
