This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
