I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize