The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
