the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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