There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
