it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
