Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
