Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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