You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
