Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
