i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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