Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
