I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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