At least make sure they are 18
Why
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
someone owes me an orgasm
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize