explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
